On Sunday, September 23rd 2012 I met Betty Dodson for the first time. Her book Sex For One had been my first read and one of the most influential books about what it means to really own my own sexuality. I was struggling with ideas about sex and beauty, and the confidence I had around my lady parts. I learned from this book that it all starts with me, the relationship I create is first with me and who I want to be and how I want to be loved (physically & emotionally.) She explained that I needed this relationship with me so I would know what I wanted and have ideas about asking for just that from another person. If I never masturbated and knew about my own pleasure how could I ask for what I wanted from another person? I needed to know me, I need to know them and they need to know themselves too. Resourcing your own knowledge through exploration of your own body helps get to places where healing may need to take place. We all have growth to do.
While I was spending time with Betty at her place in NY, talking about the Moss Beauty Lookbook, she took me through the first part of the typical process she takes a client through in a professional session (usually someone who would like to learn to be orgasmic.) 
We looked at my vulva together – Yep! “vulva show-and-tell!” I took my pants off, sat on a towel crosslegged & looked in a mirror with bright light and a witness. She said “Oh! You have my favorite coloring” it was a watershed moment. I felt some old self-imposed stigma melt off of me in that moment… It was so healing. She helped me begin to reconnect to myself, to see myself with new eyes, and that gave me the desire to dive deeper into healing and loving myself more. I still wasn’t immediately transformed in to the confident person I hope to become. I’m working on it… I am still wanting to have the chance to have a lover who I can explore this new found self-compassion with. I used to be afraid that I smelled bad or looked ugly in so many ways down there – not even true! I think I can become who I want to be as a partner. Someone who is able to give and receive sexual pleasure, rather than just being a giver because I am afraid to receive… or afraid to be found out as a bad lover or gross when I let someone explore me.
It’s part of our culture that we depend on happy coincidences & chance meetings to find another person who can help us take away the shame and disgust that has seeped in over time. There just aren’t enough dedicated people doing this at this point. Luckily we can do this self-healing work on our own by learning/reading and seeking body-positive experiences. Whether that be seeking a sex-positive health care practitioner, therapist, lover or Esthetician who engages with us in a way that elevates our perception of self to it’s proper place as lovable, beautiful and wonderful, safe, connected and fully alive. If you aren’t feeling it with the person you see to heal… don’t go there any more, leave, you do what is best for you and find what you really want in this world. There is so much out there, so many delightful options and incredible opportunities. You can do something different if it means you’ll get something just the way you want it – “you can have whatever you like.” That’s the nature of life and we can all have more fun and more pleasure… isn’t that the point? Go ahead, call me a hedonist – I want more pleasure & more fun!
So let’s just break it down – Sex isn’t about putting a penis in a vagina. It is about creating a wonderful experience where people engage and explore sexual feelings, that are pleasure filled, not necessarily genitally focused and aren’t aimed at a goal of orgasm. By opening up to pleasure at all levels we become relaxed, comfortable, touch, feel, experience, engage with our own senses, sensuality, our neurochemistry plays and delights in all levels of input.
I want to explore more, I have endless potential and I know it grows as I continue to create new pathways to pleasure. As with memory and muscles we build our ability to take on more. By activating my own ecstasy during self-stimulation I am more able to access it more during partnering activities. And just as masturbation wasn’t to orgasm when I was a kid (I couldn’t achieve it until I was much older) I don’t expect it to be the target when I am with a new partner now. I build a relationship, I build trust, I build confidence and I build pathways to my own pleasure with them. The deal is that there is no bad you and there is no bad me in anything I am exploring with you. I love what Dan Savage says about being GGG – Good Giving & Game.
While exploring with someone else you can practice safer sex by doing the most basic taboo things… mutual masturbation, phone sex, sexting, hand sex, dry humping and whatever other things that don’t require mucous membranes to touch. Your mouth, butt and genitals are lined with delicate membranes… therefore they are points we need to treat with the utmost respect & love. We all learn not to toss around things that are delicate and beautiful – they’ll break. Love your body, love it long, and well and with many breaths! <3 U!
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